PUBLIC ENEMY #4EVER
I have been debating on starting this blog for several years now. It has been 3 years since I left my past, and it’s taken me this long to find the courage to say some of the things that need to be said, out loud. 👄
I doubt a lot of people will even read this. But the irony in my decision to make our life accessible to others, is that I am not writing and posting for “people” to read. This is for me, Brett, our children (if they ever want to listen, which I hope they do) the friends and family members we loved who felt hurt by us, and to those of you who thought Brett and I were no longer worthy of your hearts.
However, if you stumble upon this, and you care to follow me throughout my messy but beloved life then welcome to the real true story of an imperfect woman with unpopular views, selfish reasons, and unconditional love for Brett and our estranged children.
I am not sure if writing a blog, or creating a website is the right thing to do, but it feels good right now. I need to end the silence, to end the hiding from what happened, and to say sorry for the last few times before moving forward without apology. Brett and I are truly sorry for the way we did this. We admit we acted selfishly, and haven’t always acted responsibly or mindfully of others.I’m a human being and I fall in love and I don’t have control of every situation. – Beyonce Knowles
Brett and I have been apologizing for 3 years. We have pleaded for mercy, we have begged for God’s grace, we have endured all of the judgements and ridicule that come with cheating. But at what point do we end the past mistakes and begin to love ourselves again? When do we deserve to be understood and loved again?
I am a 40-something woman who 3 years ago left my marriage and ran away in the middle of the night without my children. But it was never my intention to be an absentee Mom, and it was never Brett’s desire to be absent from his kids either. We may be sinners, but we have always wanted our kids, always!
I was an adulterous, and I had fallen in love with a married man. That is such a hard pill to swallow, because I never thought I would ever do anything to hurt the people in my life, but I ran away from them that night and never realized how much they would hate me. In my screwed up mind I had pictured us building a life with our kids and friends. I never imagined Brett and I becoming public enemy #1. But that is what happened, and for 3 years we have fought every day to regain our dignity, and to regain our sanity.
I know very well the judgements and ridicule I will receive, but I hope that by me telling my story it will at least help my family, and his family begin the healing process. Truth be told there may be things I say that come out somewhat cold and angry, but it’s got to be said. I believe that Brett and I have acted selfishly, but no matter what anyone thinks, I know Brett and I are good people, flawed in more ways than most, but we love and hurt just like everyone else.
I certainly am not here to condone infidelity. It’s not something we are proud of. And even though we were both struggling in our marriages, neither of us were looking for someone else or to cause pain to others. Brett and I carry a tremendous weight of guilt over our affair. We have lost friends and family because of our decision to be together, and our kids have not forgiven us. We are still very much in love, but our life together has been hard, and you’ll learn that we are still stumbling our way through it. But Brett and I get stronger, smarter, and closer to “normal” more and more.
Others may not be able to understand or like the story of us, but it’s my life and I no longer apologize for it!